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Russian Joke 

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Len Watson
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J.B.Hyland

View Jack's profile
I thought I would share this with all for you to see,, this was a favourite,
KISS "Easily identified by their trademark face paint and stage outfits, the
group rose to prominence in the mid-1970s on the basis of their elaborate
live performances, which featured firebreathing, blood spitting, smoking
guitars, and pyrotechnics. KISS".  I rewrote that famous book and subsequent
movies and stage shows, 'the Wizard of Oz' as "The Wizard of Aus" which I
set in the middle of Australia instead of Kansas I selected Oodnadatta in
outback Australia.  I wrote a satire about three major problems in our
community at that time, pollution, drug addiction and alcoholism.  I made
the scarecrow lose his stuffing of paper all over the country and polluting
down the yellow Brick Road in the middle of the audience scattering confetti
over the parents.  The cowardly Lion was a drug addict.  (He was addicted to powders and pills that you can take off the supermarket shelf as well as
prescription, Valium and Serapax) and finally the tin man was initially
costumed as a tin of Aussie beer man and alcoholic but after he was rescued
he turned into Gene Simmons the lead singer of KISS complete with his axe
guitar.  I kept the song, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" for Dorothy but I
wrote new songs for all the other characters and it was a fabulous success
playing to packed audiences every night. The principal of the school turned
out to be the Wizard of Aus and was played by a retarded student.  I am not
sure how many people discovered the satire in my musical.  I was firing
shots at the principal, the executive, the parents and some of the teachers.
I had a fabulous time and the newspaper reports were outstanding.  I hope
you have a happy and prosperous new year.  I put on my dad's WWl l medals and watched the Edinburgh Military Tattoo on TV with its hundreds of
marching pipe bands.  Share this with your family and friends if you like. 
Your  mate Jack.

A key to success

Thank you Miyoko, no one in Australia ever worked at school on the Sunday
except for me.  I used to go to my friend the head cleaner of the school and
borrow her master key which let me into every room in the school.  Needless
to say I never went into other teachers rooms but occasionally I found
myself in the office area where I would transfer stock to my classroom. 
Sometimes I found myself in the library and I accidentally set some items of
stock aside in the wrong place out of sight so that if a competitor got
there before me on the Monday morning I was the only one who knew where that
stock was and I would borrow it from the librarian.  There were also items
hidden in the infants mistress' stockroom that were not available for
primary and on one occasion I accidentally found myself in that stockroom
transferring crayons to my classroom.  As I attempted to leave I discovered
that the key was stuck in the lock.  I tried everything in my power and
eventually I unscrewed  the lock itself and took it home where I applied
graphite to make the key slip out but that did not work.  I tried fine
machine oil and guess what?  That did not work either.  Finally I used WD40
which I used on my car to release nuts and bolts but still no luck. 
Everything was closed including locksmiths but I found one in the telephone
book and I took the lock and key to him.  He simply plucked the key from the
lock and then he looked at the key and told me that he had made this one
personally!!!  What was I doing with a master key to the local school on a
Sunday?  I simply explained that I was preparing lessons for a very big
occasion and that if he wanted to he could always ring the principal to
confirm this.  Now that is what you call bluffing!  Jack

J.B.Hyland

View Jack's profile

Granny's are doing it for themselves


Grandmothers who have found themselves alone, their husbands have left the marriage usually to go to a younger woman
These grandmothers are devastated they feel lost and deserted wondering what they are going to do for the rest of their lives
Not anymore  the grannies of the 21st century are hanging up their aprons and putting away the fury slippers they have come through the heartbreak, rejection and” was it my fault” to become strong confident women and realize that there is life after marriage.

1 Emily aged 60 arrived home one day after visiting her daughter and grandchildren there was a note on the kitchen bench it was from her husband aged 63 it was just a few words to say that he had met a woman aged 30 that he loved and wanted to be with ,Emily went through the hurt and angry stages she agonized over what she should do.
She sold the house booked a round the world ticket and went travelling for a year.

2 Carol aged 66 her husband was the same age, they never had children he told her that he had met a younger woman who had two young children who needed a father, Carol bought a backpack advertised for a female travelling partner and went hiking through Europe for six months.

3 Sophie aged 58 her husband was 61 her husband said he didn’t want to be married to her anymore and wanted out.
Sophie got her motor cycle licence and delivers the post in remote area’s.

Older Women are fast emerging stronger and happier than ever.


Maureen Whitson

View Maureen's profile

A GREAT LESSON IN LIFE

The woman arrived  at an airport one night
With several long hours before her flight
She hunted a book in the airport shop
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see
That the man sitting beside her  as bold as could be
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene
So she munched the cookies and watched the clock
As the gutsy thief diminished her her stock
She was getting more agitated as the minutes ticked by
Thinking if I  wasn’t so nice I would blacken his eye
With each cookie she took He took one too
When one was left she wondered what he would do
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh
He took the last cookie and broke it in half
He offered her half as he ate the other
She snatched it from him and thought …ooh brother
This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude
Why he didn’t even show any gratitude
She had never known when she was so galled
And sighed with relief when her flight was called
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate
Refusing to look back  at the thieving ingrate
She boarded the plane and sank in her seat
Then she sought her book which was almost complete
As she reached in her bag she gasped with surprise
There was her cookies in front of her eyes
If mine is here she moaned in despair
The others where his and he tried to share
Too late to apologise she realized with grief
That she was the rude one the ingrate the thief

How many times have we absolutely known that something was a certain way,
Only to discover later that what we believed to be true –was not
“Keep an open mind and an open Heart,..because you just  never Know
Ya –might be eating someone elsies cookies”


Len Ashcroft 

View Len's profile

Typhoon

The time I got caught in a typhoon I had hitched a lift from New Zealand on
a flat bottomed cargo ship, heading to the Cook Islands via Niue.  We
anchored they on the Sunday but could not unload because of the Christian
beliefs.  The ship I was on was too large to dock at the jetty so we just
lay at anchor about 400 m off the coast and two punts would motor out to the
boat.  The captain of our ship would operate the Crane and lift one of those
40 tonne containers down on to the punt which would then take it ashore. 
The next punt would have unloaded its cargo and it was waiting for the next
container to be loaded.  George and I were the only two passengers on the
ship so we decided to go ashore on one of the punts.  We stood on the narrow
rail of the ship timing our jump to perfection saw that when the ship was
low in the water and the punt with the container rose up high in the water I
jumped onto the container taking care to avoid being hit by the swinging
cranes hook.  We then climbed down into the back of the punt.  We bought
some very beautiful stamps from that Island.  Next day we sailed for
Rarotonga in the Cook Islands and that was when the typhoon struck.  We just
made it into their safe harbour in time.  We could not put the gangplank
down so once again I had to jump to the shore from a moving ship.  Looking
back I am sure that I must have been insane.  Your Aussie mate Jack.





J.B.Hyland

View Jack's profile
Joke


A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland  asked the priest beside her, "Father,
may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What  may I do for you?"
”Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
that is  well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there  anyway you could
carry it through Customs for me?  Under your robe
perhaps?"
”I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you
I will not lie."
”With your honest face, Father, no one will question
you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
ahead of her. The official asked,  "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to  my waist, I have
nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer  strange, so asked,
”And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the  floor?"
”I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father. Next!"

Eloise Perdew

View Eloise profile
First Kiss....


Reminds me of some of my dates in the past! 

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And... Should you use some tongue?



Then you lean in and just go for it!!!


    James Hunter    

View James profile
.
Eloise Perdew

View Eloise profile
Obituary Everyone Should Read

 
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
 
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.  
 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for  kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was  preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If  you still remember him, pass this on.  If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 
THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE
THE GRACE OF GOD WON'T PROTECT YOU.
Charles Stanley

View Charles profile
J.B.Hyland

View Jack's profile
Because things go on to the Internet and they are flying through
the ethernet I sometimes change a student's names just to be safe.  Today I
have been studying poetic technique again looking at free verse, similarly,
hyperbole, alliteration, metaphoric language, repetition etc

Found Nemo

Finding nobody,
Seeking no one,
Locating nothing,
Wanting whatever.

Negative banality,
Take-away truth,
Minus nullity,
Nix-zero.

Jules Verne invented Captain Nemo and Walt Disney's mob reinvented it when
they created the cartoon movie about the little fish.  But did you know that
it means "nobody".  Always look on the bright side of life.  Jack.
.
Lionel Norman

View Lionel's profile
Lets Go Flying

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."     

Wilma Janissen

View Wilma's profile
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"   

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