Duties of Wives
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
Goat Tour
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Little Johnny 1
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?"
Little Johnny 2
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs,
rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy mom."
Marriage
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in
every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.
The Usual
BlankDave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real
bitch this time".
How to Shower
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket According to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo- woo’ sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower.Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!
These are way too funny not to share!
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Hamsters
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will have you laughing out LOUD!
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer ___expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress,"
I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying
on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just....that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Hamsters ..... $10
1 Cage ..... $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker. Pr
Bora-da
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love
She Planned To Marry Joe,
She Was So Happy 'Bout It All
She Told Her Pappy So.
Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal
You Will Have To Find Another,
I Would Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will,
But After Telling Pappy This
He Said, "There Is Trouble Still.
You Can't Marry Will, My Gal
And Please Don't Tell You' Mother,
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.
But Mama Knew And Said, My Child
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy,
Marry Will Or Marry Joe
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Technology
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman
pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager,"
she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet
paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........
well, will you look at that... I’m getting a fax!!
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Kawawa
After having dug to a depth of 100 meters last year, New Zealand scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Kiwi"s, in the weeks that followed, an Aussie scientist dug to a depth of 200 meters and shortly after headlines in the Australian newspapers read: " Australian archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Kiwi's."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters in West Texas , scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
Little Johnny 3
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Laundry."
"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"
"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland.
Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moshe Plotnik."
Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,
"Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Road Rage Story
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him.
The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn – screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Where Did The White Man Go Wrong?
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
tow and asked loudly, " How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red
and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
